Week nine and I had exactly one week until the big race. I was now able to walk/run around the block 3 times without having go directly to the ER, which was quite an accomplishment for me. But I wanted more, I wanted to be able to run across that finish line, collect that trophy and rub it in that rnb diva bitches’ face!! I cut out all sweets except for snickers shakes before during and after my workouts. You might ask “kelly why’re you eating a candy bar if you’re trying to lose weight??” My response would be to run you over with my 1992 conversion van and laugh at you because you’re REALLY trying my patience. But to be honest, snickers shakes count more as protein since they have peanuts and good stuff like nougat in them. I think nougat is full of vitamin c or maybe even d. Speaking of D, I was missing my dick dealer Jeffery. Since I found him eating out a certain rnb diva bitch I decided to kick him out of the house. I told him to go be with that rnb diva bitch and that’s exactly what he did. He moved into her section 8 housing with her and her 6 kids. I decided to drive by and see for myself. I hopped inside my conversion van and headed that way. As I was rounding the block for her project building something stopped me in my tracks; a “hot donuts NOW” sign flashing. I had my van up on two wheels trying to get in that parking lot. There was an old woman and her grandson in line waiting and I tripped the old woman. Before she knew what hit her she was lying flat on the floor. Everyone in the shop ran to assist her and while they were helping her I stepped over her and walked up to the counter. Some people may ask me “kelly why would you do that??” And my response would be “Dont you know im kelly price and I’ll throw a brick at your face??” Anyway, I walked up to the counter and I was in awe. I saw so many different types of donuts. I decided to stick with my diet though. I chose half a dozen strawberry cheesecake donuts. They had fresh strawberries on top and a cream cheese filling which is calcium. I then chose blue berry qwwglazed donuts, pecan sticky buns and a peach crumb cake bites. Once I had my morning snack I drove over to Lil Mo’s apartment. There was a busted window with shattered glass ALLOVER the sidewalk. A feral cat hopped through the broken window and had a seat on the plastic lawn chairs in the front room. Lil mo came sauntering into the living room wearing cheap lingerie and even cheaper heels. Apparently she decided to prepare breakfast for Jeffery, my husband, which was laughable. She had sugar slurps, toaster bites, french toast sticks and hot sausage links. She clearly got out her finest paper plates to serve Jeffery this meal. As I saw them eating I had so many questions, why her and not me? What did she do that I couldn’t? Should I turn her in for mismanaging her food stamps that the government gives her for her half dozen kids? I was full of emotion. I was also full of regret for not taking them up on that “buy 1 dozen, get 1 dozen half off” sale at the bakery. After this I think I’ll slide back over to the bakery for that second dozen. After Jeffery had finished his breakfast, lil mo and Jeffery began to get comfortable on the couch. Apparently they had no problem with the broken window and lack of blinds which allowed me to see everything that was going on. I was shocked by the sight of lil mo without her wig. She was bald. And not that “im a natural hair goddess” type bald, I mean she looked a mess!! Her unspeakable parts were hairy and unkempt. Didn’t seem to mind to Jeffery because he allowed her to mount him and ride him like a race horse. I had to put a stop to this so I got out of the car and jumped through the window. The only problem was the window was kind of small so I became stuck in the window. Lil mo jumped up from the couch. She stood there scared and naked. Her hairy private parts were on full display. She tried to explain but I slapped her in her mouth and told her to shut up and sit down. She scurried over to the couch and I wiggled my way through the window. Lil mo coward in a corner of the couch. She was obviously scared for her life. I asked her why, why did she take my husband? Why did she want to hurt me soo badly? What happened to her rnb divas money to where she was living in the projects with pregnant cats in her living room?
Lil mo explained that times were hard and her quarterly $1,500 def jam royalty checks had dried up and she was just trying to make ends meet. She was tired of being mocked and ridiculed by the public and she felt like Jeffery was always there for her. I had to leave. It was just too much for me and I had to leave. I climbed out the window, got stuck a little and then wiggled my way out the window. I ran to my van and started crying. I couldn’t believe it. They weren’t sneaking around, they were doing it literally right in front of my face. I stuffed my face with donuts and then I thought for a second: I RAN to my car!! I didn’t need to stop mid way through for a break or anything!! While today obviously wasn’t the best day, I was at least feeling good about winning this race. The race was coming up and I couldn’t wait to win that award and rub it in lil mo’s face.
Week eight and there were only two more weeks left until the big race. Physically I felt good, but emotionally I was a mess. I needed something to boost my self esteem. I kicked Jeffery out so I was now on my own, I had to drive myself around, make my own breakfast, snack, snack, lunch, snack, supper, dinner, snack, midnight snack myself. It was a lot to handle. I needed pleasure so I decided to go buy an adult tow. I went to a local adult shop and greeted the clerk. The clerk seemed excited, yet confused. He said “I know you!!” I said “im sure the hell you do! But im not here for all that” he said to me “aren’t you famous?” I said “no shit!!” He said “I know you, you’re warren sapp aren’t you??” I threw a dildo and hit him in the head. On the way out I found an interesting flyer. I read the flyer top to bottom and decided to give the man on it a call. We set up an appointment for us to meet. We went to his home studio and that’s when it became clear, this man wasn’t just a regular photographer he was planning on taking extremely risqué photos of me. Photos of me doing all types of stuff that I wouldn’t normally do. At that moment I was feeling alone and lost so I decided to go through with it. The first pose was just me in my stretch pants and lane bryant bra. After that he asked me to pull the straps down. He then instructed me to go in the back as disrobe. He sat out a bunch of props and talked me through some different scenarios that he had in mind. The first one was for me to pleasure myself with a roast turkey leg in both my holes. He then asked me to lay spread eagle while he covered me in giblet gravy. At first it was a bit weird but then I honestly started to get into it. He handed me a car cover to wrap up in while I waited for the pictures to be printed. Once they were done i headed out. I knew exactly what I was going to do with these pics.
It has become trendy to be a “gay ally” someone; who claims to stand up for and accept members of the LGBTQIAQN community. There are so many different types of allies, but not all allies are your friend truly. Some have other motives. Let’s take a look at some of the different types of allies.
The “corporate” ally-A company that posts pro-lgbtqiaqn statements like during the pro-8 deal in California or participated in the whole love wins campaign. Features gay/lesbian/non traditional families in their adverts. Sell rainbow coloured items during Pride month in June. It’s sometimes hard to know if these companies are being sincere or not. Bottom line is they’re a corporation and in today’s world it’s good business sense to be pro-gay at least on the surface. What is the alternative? To not say anything? In today’s world that almost as bad as being anti-gay. The people are not going to stand for that: at all.
The “over the top” ally-Her brother is gay, his daughter is gay and has been so since 1990. She’s used to being around the gay community and is very comfortable in doing such. She knows all the gay lingo and doesn’t bat an eye when you tell her about all of your wild fantasies including whips and chains. She’s the first one to volunteer with the AIDS organisation and go to pride marches. That’s the good side of her, the bad side is she’s CRAZY! You say ANYTHING remotely anti-gay and she’s on you. She was suspended from college during her junior year for beating an anti-gay minister who came to campus. She now works at Starbucks which is a pretty open and inviting place. Except for every once in awhile when misogynistic anti-gay douche bag will come in wanting a coffee. He can’t read the menu and doesn’t know what to order because he’s obviously an idiot. While waiting for his coffee he makes small talk with the man beside him. He makes some comment about Caitlyn being a lesbian man in a dress and that’s all it takes. The “over the top” ally jumps over the counter and douses the anti-lgbtqiaqn bigot with the hot coffee. The liquid scalds his face and chest. He becomes furious, but knows he deserves it so he walks out in shame. The best way to deal with the “over the top” ally is to make sure she’s medicated and tread VERY lightly around her.
The My “brother in law is gay” ally-This guy didn’t necessarily grow up around gay people or with any gay friends, but now he’s got a gay brother in law. At first he felt weird about having a gay brother in law, now he doesn’t have an issue with it. His wife is the “over the top” ally, so saying anything remotely anti-gay around her will NOT end well at all. You and your brother in law become friends when you found out about his athletic prowess. You all now play basketball together at the gym on Wednesday nights. He’s a big aggressive guy who plays dirty in the paint. One time your team mate makes a comment about him being a “f*g” and before he can react you punch him straight in the nose. Blood everywhere. Needless to say the game ends early and you all head home to eat. Apparently your brother in law text his sister the “over the top” ally exactly what happened because she gave you the big piece of chicken and an extra scoop of sorbet tonite.
The “idgaf” ally-This dude dgaf; SERIOUSLY!! He enjoy playing video games and smoking pot. You all met in art class freshman year and have been friends ever since. He showed you your first playboy and that was the exact moment you knew women weren’t for you. When you told him you were gay his response was “okay, so do you want hot wings or pizza for dinner because im gonna order?” He literally could not care less. You’ve now been friends for 10 years and your big city gay friends ask who is this guy and why you all hang out so much? You tell them that he’s been your good friend for years and that you wouldn’t trade him for the world. Turns out your friend has been hitting the gym and catches the eye of one of your straight female friends. They’re now seriously dating and he has you to thank for that.
The “bar buddy” ally-She uses gay slang and knows all of the words to every song by Beyoncé, Rihanna and Adele. You all are bar buddies. Whenever she wants to go out she calls you up because she knows you and your crew are her personal glam squad. As you all run around putting together the perfect outfit for her and beating her face to a nothing she soaks up all the gay slang she can. When you all go out she stuffs a $10 bill down the blouse of her favourite drag queen. She gets super wasted and usually ends up spending the night on your couch. She finally gets a boyfriend. After 6 months of dating he introduces her to his son. She decides to go out for ice cream with you and her boyfriend’s son. When she gets home her boyfriend FLIPS on her! He tells her she is not to have ANY “sissies” around his son. Being love starved and emotional she decides to unfriend her gay squad and starts posting vaguely anti-gay things online. Turns out the boyfriend who she tossed her gay crew aside for? Yeah when she’s been keeping his son he’s actually been cheating on her with his baby mama. Oh well, she’ll learn next time! #Karma
The “celebrity” ally-This person is “famous”/”well known” and is pro gay at least on the surface. He’s a big straight guy. And being pro gay is good for his image. He’ll kiss a guy on the lips and play grab ass, but it’s all a façade. While he says he’s an ally, it’s BS. He’s a typical straight guy behind closed doors. Steer clear of him.
The “freshman year” ally-This is by far THE MOST annoying ally. They’ve just finished their first semester at college and think they know EVERYTHING!! This is in part because they took sociology/psychology 101 both in the same semester. They know all of the buzzwords like cisgender, misogyny, heteronormative and gender non-conforming. If you have an argument with them online it takes them 30 minutes to respond because they have to google every term to make sure they spell and use it correctly. The easiest way to defeat one of these “pseudo-allies” is by turning off their wifi and hiding their psych 101 books.
The “reluctant” ally-This guy is a hardcore conservative hates must things, but has a huge dilemma. He works for a non-profit that provides housing to homeless gay teens. When counselling these youths his advice is as generic and middle of the road as possible. He has a stack of “conversion therapy” brochures inside his work desk, and slips them into their backpack when they aren’t looking. He HATES working pride month events, but bites his tongue because he wants to eventually run this non profit for himself and change it to a gay conversion camp. So he keeps quiet and bides his time until he gets that big promotion.
While allies are a good thing to have, it’s important to know who is really in your corner and who’s full of it. Ask yourself “what’s the reason this person is calling them self an ally?”, “are they willing to grow and learn?”, “do they really care about gay rights or are they full of it?” And also “do they defend gays when in a mixed crowd?” Ask yourself these important questions.
At the end of May I went to a shoe store just to browse. I had 30 minutes to waste before work so i decided to pop in and see what was on offer. while i didnt end up purchasing a pair of shoes i did purchase several pairs of socks. All different styles and designs. When it comes to socks I’m definitelty a fan. I’ve got every type of sock you can think of: from patterns, to crazy colors, I even have a pair with a kitten eating a slice of pizza on them. Anyway, one of the pairs that I picked up had rainbows on them and said “my lucky socks” across the top of them. I tossed them in my basket with the others and didn’t really give it a second thought. They would be something fun to wear to pride or just around the house. Nothing serious. Then it happened, I woke up early last Sunday morning and scrolled my news feed. I saw story after story about a mass killing that had taken place in Orlando, Florida at Pulse night club. There was so much to the story and everyone seemed to agree that it was a senseless tragedy. One thing about me that you’ll learn is that if I don’t feel I have something new, interesting or innovative to say, i hold my piece. Talking just to talk is not productive and makes people less likely to listen when you actually say something of substance. Instead of rambling on about how upsetting this whole situation was to me i decided to show my support another wear. Rainbow socks. I put this pair of socks on with slides on Sunday evening and wore them to the grocery, the take out spot and then the gas station. I heard the cashier say as i left “did you see his socks? i like those!” It’s my little way of saying “it doesn’t matter whether i’m gay or straight or somewhere in between, what matters is i’m VISUALLY showing you my support for the LGBTQAQN community. It’s a way of saying “I’m rocking these socks out loud and in public; you got as problem? let me know and it’s gon be what it’s gon be!” I’m not asking for anyone else’s approval, I’m just saying I support the victims in Orlando, I’m part of this community and this is the way I’m showing it. That being said I’ve washed these socks by hand every evening. Today i went back to that same store and bought 4 more pairs of these socks, so now I can rock my rainbow socks no problem. Happy Pride month yall!!
Week seven and I decided to get back in the gym. I returned to weight lifting and treadmill. I was feeling on top of the world. I knew I was losing weight and it showed. I was now able to sit in the seat of the car as opposed to laying on the floor of our astro van while Jeffery drove me around. Then it happened, I saw the woman who Jeffery cheated on me with. I refuse to say her name, but let’s just say she’s a talent less, wig aficionado and was featured on R&B Divas, we were once friends until I walked in on my husband “taste testing” her. It was the grossest thing Id ever seen. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the studio to record and I saw my husband on his knees eating out this R&B bitch. Of course she had a ratty wig on her head that was one texture/color and a vagina full of curly/greying pubic hair. No dignity or hot combs allowed apparently. Anyway, as I was leaving the weight room I saw this R&B bitch taking out that trash and cleaning up vomit in the kids corner. I watched her for a few minutes and sure enough when she took the trash out she walked over to the astro van and tapped on the window. Jeffery rolled down the old fashioned crank window and began talking to her enthusiastically. I stood next to the bushes for a closer look. I was crushed when two passers by pointed in my direction and remarked that the gym must have a new storage unit. You know how bad it feels to be mistaken for a storage unit? Of course this lil R&B bitch hopped in the van and headed immediately for the back seat. Jeffery wasted no time in pulling down her janitor uniform and enjoying her like a plate of fried chicken. I ran inside to get her boss and show him what was happening. He wasted no time in firing her. Oh the hell well!! Needless to say I was feeling low so I decided to do something to pick myself up.
Week six I went back to my dr to get the all clear to continue my workout program. When I entered the office a woman immediately ran up to me and asked for an autograph. I usually put a cigarette out in my fans faces just to test their resolve, but I thought I would be nice to this lady. She was waiting for her appointment, but when she saw me she grabbed a piece of paper and shoved it into my face. She said “omg, I can’t believe I’m meeting you, you’re amazing!! What was it like working with Sandra bullock??” I said “whatchu mean bitch??” She said “aren’t you the man from the blindside??” I spat in her face and she returned to her seat sans autograph. I went to the back and stepped on the flatbed scale to be weighed. Apparently my weight had gone up 20lbs, but im sure it was all muscle. I mean I felt stronger and more determined than ever. When my doctor came to the back he asked me if I was still training for the couch to 5k, I told him hell the fuck yeah. He said that I clearly wasn’t sticking to my plan because I was heavier than ever. I showed him my meal plan for a week. Beforehand though I wanted to explain to him that I did allow for a few treats in between but I had a salad everyday for lunch. My dr applauded me and asked what I put in my salad. I told him apples, chopped pecans, he shook his head in agreement. I continued; marshmallow fluff, snickers bits and chocolate syrup. He told me that I had no business eating snicker salad and that I needed to monitor my sugars and my blood pressure. I asked him about allowing for a small treat every once in awhile like a pizza or a tub of ice cream. He asked me if I was insane and told me to stay away from these foods. I left that office with a new resolve. I was going to concur this couch to 5k.
Week five and the couch to 5k was drawing closer. I had been going to the gym and lifting 1/2lb weights and walking on the treadmill. I felt like I needed more energy during my workouts so I decided to have protein shakes. I wanted only healthy ingredients so I decided to make them myself. I wanted tons of energy, so I added in a big scoop or peanut butter, what goes well with peanut butter? Chocolate so I added a big squirt of chocolate syrup to the mix, you can’t have chocolate syrup without mini marshmallows so I tossed those in, then I added a cooked chicken breast for protein, I personally don’t eat chicken without giblet gravy so I decided to mix that in too. I now had my very own recipe for a delicious protein shake. I honestly am thinking about marketing it to the world. Anyway, one day I was returning home after leaving the gym and I felt a sharp pain shoot through my ankle, I wasn’t able to move, so I just laid there until my husband got home. Once he got there our neighbour came outside and asked my estranged husband Jeffery why he had a broken down conversion van sitting out on the lawn. He informed him that it was not a conversion van but rather his wife who had sprained her ankle. My neighbour apologised and helped my. Husband drag me onto the couch. I think I’ve been pushing myself way too much and that I need to relax a bit even though the race is near.
Week four and I could tell a difference, the ticket salesman only made me by 2 seats on the plane as opposed to an entire row like usual. I started feeling cute, so I decided to treat myself to a new wig. I didn’t want those cheap, ratty wigs like some girls on rnb divas wear, I wanted a wig made from real human hair. Only problem was that I was on a budget, hey even booked bitches have to be frugal. I came up with a way to get real human hair for free. I decided to hire a maid to clean my house. Once she arrived she told me she would have to charge me triple her regular rate because of all the trash all over the floor and the adult pleasure wands I left laying around. To be honest I think she was just being dramatic, yeah I have a few McDonald’s sweet tea cups on the night stand and a few bags of Popeyes on the floor, but that’s not that horrible. Anyway, I had to ditch that plan, so I went to the beauty supply store to get a wig, the woman behind the counter was immediately star struck, she asked me what I had been up to since I stopped playing sports? I asked her who the hell she thought she was talking to and she asked me if I was Jerome “the bus” Bettis who played for the steelers. I decided to play it cool and respond yes just to see what she would say. She told me she was a huge fan and told me that I could get any wig from the discount bin that I wanted. That worked out perfectly for me.
Week three I decided to really ratchet up the exercise. I started just by using my hands to get things as opposed to the metal grabber that my estranged husband Jeffery bought me for Christmas while he was in the studio eating out a certain rnb diva who shall remain nameless. I must say: putting on your own socks can be tiring, but it’s a good tired. The kind of tired that comes from a hard days work. I didn’t want to stop there though, I wanted to start walking around my blocks. I laced up my sneakers and went for a walk around the block. Once I rounded the corner I saw a shopping centre that I had never seen before. Usually when Jeffery drives me around he takes out the back seats in our 15 passenger van so I can lay down on the floor and stretch out. This being said I didn’t exactly know what my neighbourhood looked like. Im glad I had my Walkman with me, so I could listen to music. Unfortunately I left all my cds back at home so I only had the heartbreak hotel extended single to listen to, which isn’t that bad because obviously whitney Houston, myself and someone else were singing on that song. Whitney and I really did our thing!! [sidenote: did you see that leather coat I was wearing in that video? They killed 18 heads of cattle to make that!! Hashtag slay all day] anyway. I decided to take a short cut through the shopping Center. I first passed a suboxone clinic for heroin addicts, next door was a drug testing place, a chinese restaurant, a beauty supply store, a chinese restaurant and then a donut shop. I was able to make it past the chinese restaurants but when I saw that donut shop I was intrigued. On the door there was a sign for real fruit smoothies, I decided to take a closer look, so I went inside. The lady behind the counter was immediately star struck when she saw me, she asked me if she could take a picture of me and I told her “make it quick, im very booked”, she asked me why was I here instead of in New York filming Saturday Night Live. I said “what the hell are you talking about?” She then asked me if I was Keenan Thompson in a wig. I proceeded to slap her in the mouth, but not before grabbing a bag of jelly donuts. Now before you run your mouth about calories, remember im kelly price and I’ll beat your ass if you come at me sideways, anyway; these donuts were filled with real fresh fruit so that’s vitamins, cream cheese icing so that’s dairy. If you eat five strawberry cheesecake donuts that’s your daily value of fruit right there. Long story short the cops were called but I hid out back in the dumpster until they left. I did get my donuts though.
Week two has arrived and ive really gotten serious, ive thrown out all of the junk food in the house, no more deep fried chocolate dipped Oreos, late night pizza runs or blocks of butter drizzled with honey [sidenote: that makes a really great dip. Just drizzle warm clover honey over softened butter. You can dip strawberries, rolled up slices of ham or even pizza crusts if you’re feeling daring] anyway, what was I saying? Oh that’s right, healthy eating. So I decided to hire a personal chef. He showed me how to make healthy meal options. Unfortunately I had to let him go after a disagreement. He told me that he thought 15 layer lasagna wasnt the best idea for an appetiser at sunday dinner. He even laughed when I told him that fettuccini Alfredo is best served in shot glasses with a Parmesan cheese frosted rim. After letting him go I knew I had to go it alone. So I decided to really focus in on my goal. I didn’t just throw out all the junk food, I cleared out EVERYTHING: the gummy bears I had stashed in my hollow bible. The bbq ribs I kept under my pillow for late night snacking. I even threw out the ham salad I kept in my toilet tank. I wanted to start with something simple. So I decided to do snacks. The first snack I decided to remake was trail mix; trail mix really gets a bad wrap because it isn’t always the healthiest option. So I did away with all the bad stuff and chose only healthy stuff. I started with a base of roasted peanuts for protein, added in sunflower seeds, toasted almonds and macadamia nuts. I said what goes really well with macadamia nuts: mini white chocolate chips, I added in bits of prosciutto for taste and chopped up mini snickers bars for flavor and that special energy boost that everyone needs when prepping for a race. The next meal I tackled was breakfast. Breakfast usually consisted of Belgian waffles, biscuits and gravy, toast with jelly and a slab of bacon. I knew I had to make some changes there, so I switched over to a slab of Turkey bacon, a 10 egg veggie omelet and cinnamon rolls. While a pan of cinnamon rolls may not seem like diet food to some, I think it’s a good idea because cinnamon is full of antioxidants and the cream cheese icing has dairy which is good for you. Dinner usually consisted of 15 layer lasagna as the appetiser, deep fat fried chicken, greens slow cooked with pig feet and an entire chocolate cake. I decided to do 15 layer veggie lasagna as the appetiser, roast chicken and a carrot cake for dessert. I chose carrot cake because carrots are a vegetable so you shouldn’t feel bad about eating an entire carrot cake. Let me know what diet tips you have!