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Week seven and I decided to get back in the gym. I returned to weight lifting and treadmill. I was feeling on top of the world. I knew I was losing weight and it showed. I was now able to sit in the seat of the car as opposed to laying on the floor of our astro van while Jeffery drove me around. Then it happened, I saw the woman who Jeffery cheated on me with. I refuse to say her name, but let’s just say she’s a talent less, wig aficionado and was featured on R&B Divas, we were once friends until I walked in on my husband “taste testing” her. It was the grossest thing Id ever seen. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the studio to record and I saw my husband on his knees eating out this R&B bitch. Of course she had a ratty wig on her head that was one texture/color and a vagina full of curly/greying pubic hair. No dignity or hot combs allowed apparently. Anyway, as I was leaving the weight room I saw this R&B bitch taking out that trash and cleaning up vomit in the kids corner. I watched her for a few minutes and sure enough when she took the trash out she walked over to the astro van and tapped on the window. Jeffery rolled down the old fashioned crank window and began talking to her enthusiastically. I stood next to the bushes for a closer look. I was crushed when two passers by pointed in my direction and remarked that the gym must have a new storage unit. You know how bad it feels to be mistaken for a storage unit? Of course this lil R&B bitch hopped in the van and headed immediately for the back seat. Jeffery wasted no time in pulling down her janitor uniform and enjoying her like a plate of fried chicken. I ran inside to get her boss and show him what was happening. He wasted no time in firing her. Oh the hell well!! Needless to say I was feeling low so I decided to do something to pick myself up.

Week six I went back to my dr to get the all clear to continue my workout program. When I entered the office a woman immediately ran up to me and asked for an autograph. I usually put a cigarette out in my fans faces just to test their resolve, but I thought I would be nice to this lady. She was waiting for her appointment, but when she saw me she grabbed a piece of paper and shoved it into my face. She said “omg, I can’t believe I’m meeting you, you’re amazing!! What was it like working with Sandra bullock??” I said “whatchu mean bitch??” She said “aren’t you the man from the blindside??” I spat in her face and she returned to her seat sans autograph. I went to the back and stepped on the flatbed scale to be weighed. Apparently my weight had gone up 20lbs, but im sure it was all muscle. I mean I felt stronger and more determined than ever. When my doctor came to the back he asked me if I was still training for the couch to 5k, I told him hell the fuck yeah. He said that I clearly wasn’t sticking to my plan because I was heavier than ever. I showed him my meal plan for a week. Beforehand though I wanted to explain to him that I did allow for a few treats in between but I had a salad everyday for lunch. My dr applauded me and asked what I put in my salad. I told him apples, chopped pecans, he shook his head in agreement. I continued; marshmallow fluff, snickers bits and chocolate syrup. He told me that I had no business eating snicker salad and that I needed to monitor my sugars and my blood pressure. I asked him about allowing for a small treat every once in awhile like a pizza or a tub of ice cream. He asked me if I was insane and told me to stay away from these foods. I left that office with a new resolve. I was going to concur this couch to 5k.

Week five and the couch to 5k was drawing closer. I had been going to the gym and lifting 1/2lb weights and walking on the treadmill. I felt like I needed more energy during my workouts so I decided to have protein shakes. I wanted only healthy ingredients so I decided to make them myself. I wanted tons of energy, so I added in a big scoop or peanut butter, what goes well with peanut butter? Chocolate so I added a big squirt of chocolate syrup to the mix, you can’t have chocolate syrup without mini marshmallows so I tossed those in, then I added a cooked chicken breast for protein, I personally don’t eat chicken without giblet gravy so I decided to mix that in too. I now had my very own recipe for a delicious protein shake. I honestly am thinking about marketing it to the world. Anyway, one day I was returning home after leaving the gym and I felt a sharp pain shoot through my ankle, I wasn’t able to move, so I just laid there until my husband got home. Once he got there our neighbour came outside and asked my estranged husband Jeffery why he had a broken down conversion van sitting out on the lawn. He informed him that it was not a conversion van but rather his wife who had sprained her ankle. My neighbour apologised and helped my. Husband drag me onto the couch. I think I’ve been pushing myself way too much and that I need to relax a bit even though the race is near.

Week four and I could tell a difference, the ticket salesman only made me by 2 seats on the plane as opposed to an entire row like usual. I started feeling cute, so I decided to treat myself to a new wig. I didn’t want those cheap, ratty wigs like some girls on rnb divas wear, I wanted a wig made from real human hair. Only problem was that I was on a budget, hey even booked bitches have to be frugal. I came up with a way to get real human hair for free. I decided to hire a maid to clean my house. Once she arrived she told me she would have to charge me triple her regular rate because of all the trash all over the floor and the adult pleasure wands I left laying around. To be honest I think she was just being dramatic, yeah I have a few McDonald’s sweet tea cups on the night stand and a few bags of Popeyes on the floor, but that’s not that horrible. Anyway, I had to ditch that plan, so I went to the beauty supply store to get a wig, the woman behind the counter was immediately star struck, she asked me what I had been up to since I stopped playing sports? I asked her who the hell she thought she was talking to and she asked me if I was Jerome “the bus” Bettis who played for the steelers. I decided to play it cool and respond yes just to see what she would say. She told me she was a huge fan and told me that I could get any wig from the discount bin that I wanted. That worked out perfectly for me.

Week three I decided to really ratchet up the exercise. I started just by using my hands to get things as opposed to the metal grabber that my estranged husband Jeffery bought me for Christmas while he was in the studio eating out a certain rnb diva who shall remain nameless. I must say: putting on your own socks can be tiring, but it’s a good tired. The kind of tired that comes from a hard days work. I didn’t want to stop there though, I wanted to start walking around my blocks. I laced up my sneakers and went for a walk around the block. Once I rounded the corner I saw a shopping centre that I had never seen before. Usually when Jeffery drives me around he takes out the back seats in our 15 passenger van so I can lay down on the floor and stretch out. This being said I didn’t exactly know what my neighbourhood looked like. Im glad I had my Walkman with me, so I could listen to music. Unfortunately I left all my cds back at home so I only had the heartbreak hotel extended single to listen to, which isn’t that bad because obviously whitney Houston, myself and someone else were singing on that song. Whitney and I really did our thing!! [sidenote: did you see that leather coat I was wearing in that video? They killed 18 heads of cattle to make that!! Hashtag slay all day] anyway. I decided to take a short cut through the shopping Center. I first passed a suboxone clinic for heroin addicts, next door was a drug testing place, a chinese restaurant, a beauty supply store, a chinese restaurant and then a donut shop. I was able to make it past the chinese restaurants but when I saw that donut shop I was intrigued. On the door there was a sign for real fruit smoothies, I decided to take a closer look, so I went inside. The lady behind the counter was immediately star struck when she saw me, she asked me if she could take a picture of me and I told her “make it quick, im very booked”, she asked me why was I here instead of in New York filming Saturday Night Live. I said “what the hell are you talking about?” She then asked me if I was Keenan Thompson in a wig. I proceeded to slap her in the mouth, but not before grabbing a bag of jelly donuts. Now before you run your mouth about calories, remember im kelly price and I’ll beat your ass if you come at me sideways, anyway; these donuts were filled with real fresh fruit so that’s vitamins, cream cheese icing so that’s dairy. If you eat five strawberry cheesecake donuts that’s your daily value of fruit right there. Long story short the cops were called but I hid out back in the dumpster until they left. I did get my donuts though.

 
Week two has arrived and ive really gotten serious, ive thrown out all of the junk food in the house, no more deep fried chocolate dipped Oreos, late night pizza runs or blocks of butter drizzled with honey [sidenote: that makes a really great dip. Just drizzle warm clover honey over softened butter. You can dip strawberries, rolled up slices of ham or even pizza crusts if you’re feeling daring] anyway, what was I saying? Oh that’s right, healthy eating. So I decided to hire a personal chef. He showed me how to make healthy meal options. Unfortunately I had to let him go after a disagreement. He told me that he thought 15 layer lasagna wasnt the best idea for an appetiser at sunday dinner. He even laughed when I told him that fettuccini Alfredo is best served in shot glasses with a Parmesan cheese frosted rim. After letting him go I knew I had to go it alone. So I decided to really focus in on my goal. I didn’t just throw out all the junk food, I cleared out EVERYTHING: the gummy bears I had stashed in my hollow bible. The bbq ribs I kept under my pillow for late night snacking. I even threw out the ham salad I kept in my toilet tank. I wanted to start with something simple. So I decided to do snacks. The first snack I decided to remake was trail mix; trail mix really gets a bad wrap because it isn’t always the healthiest option. So I did away with all the bad stuff and chose only healthy stuff. I started with a base of roasted peanuts for protein, added in sunflower seeds, toasted almonds and macadamia nuts. I said what goes really well with macadamia nuts: mini white chocolate chips, I added in bits of prosciutto for taste and chopped up mini snickers bars for flavor and that special energy boost that everyone needs when prepping for a race. The next meal I tackled was breakfast. Breakfast usually consisted of Belgian waffles, biscuits and gravy, toast with jelly and a slab of bacon. I knew I had to make some changes there, so I switched over to a slab of Turkey bacon, a 10 egg veggie omelet and cinnamon rolls. While a pan of cinnamon rolls may not seem like diet food to some, I think it’s a good idea because cinnamon is full of antioxidants and the cream cheese icing has dairy which is good for you. Dinner usually consisted of 15 layer lasagna as the appetiser, deep fat fried chicken, greens slow cooked with pig feet and an entire chocolate cake. I decided to do 15 layer veggie lasagna as the appetiser, roast chicken and a carrot cake for dessert. I chose carrot cake because carrots are a vegetable so you shouldn’t feel bad about eating an entire carrot cake. Let me know what diet tips you have!

Many of you all know me as Kelly Price the amazing multi platinum singer, song writer and all around musical genius, however Im also a dreamer. My current dream to is run a couch to 5k this summer. To do this I know I need to go about this in a logical and organised fashion. First step is finding the right clothing. I decided to go to lane bryant and get some comfortable leisure pants and a bunch of big blousy tops. I went to Happy Feet shoe store to get a pair of tennis shoes. They specialise in shoes for the wide footed woman. They’re the only place that has size 16 EEE sneakers. As I was leaving happy feet shoe store I noticed that there was a chinese restaurant in the shopping Center next door, I decided I would go in to have lunch. I looked at the menu first though and decided to order several dishes. Now before you scold me, remember im kelly price and you better watch your tone when addressing a real bitch. Anyway, i ordered beef and broccoli, that’s protein and vegetables. Vegetable lo mein that’s vegetables and good carbs and vegetable egg rolls, that’s vegetables too!

Since im always booked I had to get my order to go. My ex husband Jeffery was nice enough to drive me around, which allowed me to finish my chinese food before I arrived at the gym. That day I decided to join the gym. I went inside the gym to sign up. The guy took me on a tour and asked if I wanted to begin my workout, I laughed in his face and told him I was booked to sing at a Bar mitzvah that evening and was NOT going to mess up my good wig. By the time I got back to my car I was winded from walking all the way around that gym. I know day number one of this couch to 5k journey was a success.

There are many historical events in life and personally I have a list of them that i should have been present during. Everyone has that uncle that gets drunk at thanksgiving and talks about enjoying fried chicken and face-sitting with Dionne Warwick or sharing a no bedroom apartment with James Brown before he hit it big, but what about our current generation? When I developed this list I wanted to really examine historical moments. Events that make you think, events that make you feel a strong emotion that can’t be described.

#5 106 and park-The original 106 & Park was EVERYTHING. Aj and Free  were a huge part of that show. It was more than just a video countdown show; it was like connecting with your cousins who came home from college at NYU; they were always up on the latest, had good vibes and the best music.

#4 The Boy is Mine video-Since i couldn’t just say “rnb in the 1990s”, i had to pinpoint one event in particular. I can’t think of a song that more perfectly encapsulates the 1990s; the sound, the video, the clothing omg. Sidenote; did you know those braids in brandy’s head could have actually been a wig and not sewn in? SCALP CHECK! Anyway; i remember growing up me and my girls were reenact this video i was always Brandy because I went to church and thought denim skirts were fashion forward.

#3 Nancy Kerrigan’s knee vs. that metal pipe-Tonya Harding was CLEARLY not here for Nancy Kerrigan or her dominance in the figure skating world so she decided to sock it to her one good time. These girls were like the Brandy vs. Monica of the figure-skating world except with no music talent and weak ankles. Girl there is so much to this story that i don’t even know where to begin. Okay let’s just keep it simple. Nancy “broken bones” Kerrigan was in Detroit training for a skating competition when this thug, allegedly hired by Tonya Harding and her then husband, came up behind her and played a socked it to her right in the knee cap. Nancy went down all while crying “WHY ME??” oh girl, she was fit to be tied. The next year Nancy came back and STILL won the silver while Tonya placed 8th. Tonya was later banned from ANY participation in figure skating and now works at a Denny’s in Jacksonville, Florida. Before that she sold an adult film, did boxing and even had a ban that was booed off stage. since then Nancy has done something positive with her life i’m guessing, maybe she started her own line of body armor or opened an ice skating rink; who knows. Tonya on the other hand has gained 200 lbs, 100 of which being in her face.

#4 Birdman vs. The Breakfast Club-Oh what a tangled web we weave when our emotions are on our sleeve. Birdman came up to The Breakfast Club and basically told CthaGod that he better respeck his name and of course the internet went crazy. it was a very tense situation, made even more tense by cthagod’s response. 

#5 Beyonce’s Lemonade shoot-Several months ago i heard news of beyonce being in like NOLA shooting a video or something similar and the kids were gagging then. Turns out that news was totally correct. I watched the program on HBO and gagged for 60 minutes straight. The visuals, the message, the songs, it was like a documentary flavored w Louisiana hot sauce. I need to go back and watch it again because so far i’ve seen it two times but i still havent WATCHED it. Like i can tell you what happened, what i saw, but i was so caught up in the message and vibe that i couldnt focus 100%. She had Serena Williams TWERKING in this movie; when will your fave, when COULD your fave??? Nope, didn’t think so!!! One of the strongest messages throughout was the message about how resilient and just amazing black women are. I also caught the voodoo and santeria references, which i thought were interesting. For so long, many people have been told that ANYTHING other than straight Christianity was a sin, but not necessarily anymore. The summer belongs to Bey and i’m just waiting for the gifs and the physical album to be released to stores. slay a bit!!

“I found love on a two way street. And lost it on a lonely high way” we all know this song, but honey let me tell you ive lived it. Well let me clarify, *I* haven’t been through that, but my neighbour has.
Let me preface this by saying the following:

I’m known by several different names: Ms. Pearl, Gladys Kravitz, all that shit. My family started calling me Pearl [from 227] when I was younger because I STAYED in everyone’s affairs on the street. I knew what time everyone got home, what time they left and who they left with. Many people would say “get you some business” my response is always “girl, go to hell on a scholarship”. Being interested and looking out for people and making sure everyone is good and a big responsibility. You may say: oh Jaime; you’re bad, but honey my neighbours are WAY worse!!!

Continue reading “How to lose a husband on Christmas Eve”

The impetus for this post was a tweet a saw earlier. The tweet was referencing Betty Jones’ daughter. If you’re not familiar with this case, the long and short of it is that 19 year old Quintonio LeGrier was acting with aggression toward his family members. Mental illness is said to be to blame. Quintonio LeGrier’s father called the police and then he called Bettie Jones to let her know what was going on and to stay in her apartment. 55 year old Bettie Jones lived on the first floor of the home and somehow she found herself in the cross hairs of the altercation and was killed by the police. There are SOO many different factors at play [police brutality, minority mental health treatment, etc] but I’m choosing to focus on the whole idea of respectability.

Continue reading “Respectability Politics”