Guests and Fish

Have you heard the saying “Guests and Fish, after 3 days they BOTH stink”?? Nothing could be more true than that statement! The Cosby’s found that out all too well in the Season 6 opener when Denise came home from Africa. Now usually when people come home from a long trip they bring artwork, beaded jewelry, newly contracted social diseases (no judgement). Anyway when Denise came back she had a new attitude, new hair and a new piece of navy cake named Martin. Well to top that off she also brought home a step daughter. Yes Denise went to Africa and got herself a ready made family complete with an adorable 3 year old. Dr. Huxtable was the only one who seemed to sense something was up though:
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For the sake of brevity let’s put Denise’s foolish act to the side and focus on the real tragedy she visited upon that house; Olivia “sass mouth” Kendall. Olivia was a handful from the jump, she was part of that new school of parenting… that “call me by my first name” type deal, which hey if they works for yall, no problem because it obviously didn’t work for the Kendalls. Denise and Martin ended up sleeping in Theo’s old bedroom in twin sized beds while Olivia slept in an old sock drawer. Olivia got into all types of foolishness; she stole Rudy’s toys, ran up the phone bill calling joke lines and if i remember correctly she also smoked Virginia Slims, which hey if you’re gonna smoke i say go for Newports, but whatever. Anyway. After 10 years of marriage Denise and Martin got a divorce and Denise married singer Lenny Kravitz and had a family of her own. She then got with that one hot dude and is still with him. By this time Olivia was feeling her beat and decided to turn to the streets. She started out walking the ballrooms in categories like “real fish realness” and “school girl tease” and she usually placed 2nd or 3rd. Which was not good enough for her. She wanted the gold!! Olivia then went to U DQ (the university of Dairy Queen) where she majored in soft serve and minored in dip cones. There she met a stud named Brickz (stylized Br1CKZ) who turned her out.
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Since then she has been ranting and raving on our tv sets everyday about shit that no one cares about. HOWEVER, the REAL person we should be upset with is NOT Olivia “sass mouth” Kendall, but her step mom Denise for making such a poor decision that would eventually effect/infect us all:
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Catfish Colombia

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So I’m channel surfing last night, trying to find something to watch while waiting for “Iyanla fix my bang and bun” to come on. I happened upon Catfish Colombia. Which is basically Catfish set to a cumbia rhythm. Well turns out people allover the world are meeting people online and are still getting gooped. Enter Diego y Sebastian. Think Nev and Max minus the *ahem*.

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Favorite ep of The Cosby Show “The Wretched”

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The Cosby Show was one of my favorite shows growing up! I loved the stories and the entire family. Well almost everyone in the family. Vanessa was always a POS imo. She was always into something whether it was trying to wear make-up while still in grade school or singing “locomotion” with her motor mouth friends in hopes of being the next big thing, well you see how that turned out for them. Anyway my favorite episode of the cosby show bar-none is “The Wretched” think this is because this one of the first MAJOR screw ups that one of the cosby kids had done. The episode starts with Vanessa and her other bubble brained friends decided they were going to borrow her friend’s brother’s car and hightail it to baltimore to see the wretched (and of course have big fun). Well things decided necessarily go as planned. Vanessa’s friend’s brother’s car gets stolen while they’re having Donuts in a coffee shop in Wilmington, Delaware. Ever the optimist (read: ding bat) vanessa and her crew decide to throw caution to the wind and head to Baltimore to see the wretched. Well they get their money, tickets, basically they got EVERYTHING stolen and were left there. At the same time her friend’s grandmother has a fire on her street which caused Claire to call over there, of course vanessa wasnt there she was out in the streets of Baltimore trying to produce her own version of The Wire. (sidenote: peep a young Alec Mapa) selling t-shirts at the concert! somehow vanessa and her crew make it home and Claire LAYS HER OUT!!!!!!!! People ask me “what is reading???” honey THIS is reading!!! Claire read that child to a nothing!!! which Vanessa deserved because she was always a screw up just like Denise, but that’s a story for an entirely different post!! Peep the video below

 

Favorite ep. of Martin “Control”

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The 1990s birthed tons of great sitcoms and television programs, but one of my favourite without a doubt is “Martin”. Majority of you all have seen this show, but for those who haven’t the show stars Martin Lawrence as a wise-cracking Detroit radio host with a loving girlfriend-turned-wife, played by Tisha Campbell. My favorite episode of this show by far is Season 2 Episode 7 “Control”. In this episode Martin is excited because he scored some primo basketball tickets, only to have them slip right through his fingers. With Gina being the loving girlfriend she decides to get Martin  some tickets to replace the lost ones and that folks is where the comedy ensues! First off, Gina tries sheneneh, big mistake! tjhdd

then they try Jerome even bigger mistake! after running out of time and patience Gina decides to ask sheneneh again for the tickets. Only this time there’s a price; Gina must work in sheneneh’s shop all day! THIS scene is priceless. Gina has to give a pedicure to Mayra with an industrial sander. She mixes up chemicals, insults a customer. Between the demanding customers and the constant bickering between Gina and sheneneh, this is definitely not an episode to be missed!
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Celia

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I just watched the first episode of this Celia mini-series on Telemundo y DIOS fue muy interesante. If you’re not familiar with Celia Cruz; get familiar, that’s all i’m going to say. Watch the interviews, listen to her songs, read up on her because she was a HUGE star and is world-renowned for her talent. The story starts out in Cuba with Celia and her sister at the train station. A gentleman comes up to Celia’s sister and asks her if she would like to be in a singing contest. Initially the band leader told Celia that she didn’t fit the requirements of the contest, Basically saying that she is too Black to be in the contest. Even hearing this; Celia’s sister obliges and begins to sing with the band; having her sister come in on the chorus. Once Celia began to actually sing the band leader quickly turned his attention from Celia’s sister to her. As revenge; Celia’s sister makes her dance with one of the band members and their father catches her. Basically this episode sets the stage for whats to come in the series. Pedro (Celia’s Husband) is in another band, but is too busy sleeping around to actually rehearse. He is caught with the wife of a military man and the man goes crazy; even brandishing a weapon. So far i am really enjoying this show. I am glad to actually see Afro-Latinos ON TELEVISION!! like these people are B-L-A-C-K and there’s no denying it. The issue of race in the Hispanic culture will definitely be present throughout the series, however this is a different time period, but at least the concept of race and racism in Latin America is being discussed and dealt with. If you’re familiar with Celia Cruz you already know the stories, but actually seeing it played out on the big screen adds another element to it. Apparently Telemundo is trying to follow the lead of shows like “Empire” and produce programming around music, which i’m sure will be a ratings winner for the network.

10 times the Golden Girls showed Latin love

It’s clear and pretty well understood that the Golden Girls is the best show ever created, hands down. On the surface the idea seems pretty mundane; 4 older women sitting on wicker furniture eating cheesecakes. Oh boy, was that show SO much more than that. This show dealt with some a diverse set of topics and scenarios. Suicide, homosexuality, cheesecake, tacky clothing, job-hunting later in life, sex. All very important topics. I love this show, we watched it most mornings and afternoons growing up, I didn’t quite “get it”, but I still watched. Now I understand most every joke. Even in some episodes I’ll hear jokes and stuff that I have to look up because I’ve never heard of it. The fact that this show is still on television, has been adapted to overseas markets on show like “Chicas del oro” just speaks to the strength of the writing and direction on that show. Without further ado let’s get into this wonderful topic.

With it being Hispanic heritage month what better way to celebrate than to bring together two of my favorite things; Golden Girls and Hispanic culture! With Golden Girls being set in Miami there were tons of times where they Hispanic culture was well represented on the show.

#1 Yokel Hero-In this episode Rose is nominated for woman of the year in St. Olaf and the air is on the fritz at the girl’s house. Valente Rodriguez plays a pie-faced repair man who is tasked with fixing their air conditioning.

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#2 Empty Nest-This episode features Rita Moreno. This episode was set up as the pilot for the show “Empty Nest”, well if you were around back in the 80s and watched sitcoms you see how that turned out haha! Anyway Rita plays a long suffering doctor’s wife who needs a bit more attention from her husband, a man who is considered a saint by his coworkers and patients.

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#3 Dorothy’s Prized Pupil-In this episode Mario Lopez plays a bright young man in Dorothy’s class who happens to be in the country illegally. This was way before he was accused of date-raping a girl when he was on Saved By the Bell. Clearly, he did something right because he was sissy-strutting all up and through the Saved By the Bell Set. I usually don’t watch this episode when it comes on, but in the end Mario’s character is deported or able to stay in the country or maybe he ended up driving a garbage truck. I really don’t remember.

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Black Ink Crew Ep. 4

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It’s Monday, 9pm and I have a can of Lysol at the ready, so you already know what that means; Black Ink Crew!! Each episode is so jam-packed with mess and struggle that it’s hard to keep up. Let’s quickly recap;

Puma told his wife that Julio Iglesias or whatever his partner’s name is wanted to sell him the business for $50k. Sky decided to buy new cakes, Donna stopped by after leaving the welfare office in order to beg for her job back, Cs’s and Dutch are still arguing about whether or not to move down south. Dutch’s idea of empire-building is to spread as much as possible as quickly as possible kinda like Ebola, but with fewer casualties. Sky and Dutch got into it because Sky was convinced that Dutch was making fun of her for wanting a new butt. Granted; Dutch did get two after-market breasts last year for the low low. Sky went off on Dutch in a way that only Sky can! Sky had that “Don’t fuck with me, I used to suck on razor blades and slice girls’ faces for fun in the 90s!!!!” Dutch is always running her mouth and in a girls’ face every other episode; be it a mixie. Quani or Sassy. And those girls always back down. Sky on the other hand; nah she’ll toss acid in your face FIRST and then ask questions later. Sidenote (y’all remember the bad old days when The Gross Sisters type girls would try and slice up the pretty girls’ faces and splash acid on them? ch…. you know they were coming for us pretty girls in the 90s) anyway, back to this week’s episode.

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Black Ink Crew Ep.3

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Oh baby! It’s Labor Day, it’s Monday which means there has been a lot of drinks had, a lot of burnt BBQ and a lot of kickbacks full of plebeians. Sky caught teddy cheating, Pum Pum was kicked out of the business, Dutch wants to move to NC and open a tattoo shop/tow truck company or something. ch, I’m not sure. Which brings us to this week’s episode of Black Stink Crew. Dutch came to visit Pastor Mike at home and to give him a tattoo, because who in the world doesn’t want to tattoo their pastor? That’s some Eddie Long in a cherry thong new age pastor shit. Baby, give me that old time religion, like I used to know and save that new shit for Patti.

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Puma was at the park with Quani’s bangs and their adorable baby talking about Ink124. I will say this, Pum Pum’s the face of Ink124 and was also the face of Black Ink Crew. Why doesn’t Dutch open a shop in NC and let her arch enemy Pum Pum run it? Quani wants Puma to leave NY to get a fresh start, but puma says “I’m not getting run out of New York; I’m not no Mason Betha” THROW IT PUMA!!!!!! If you don’t know your hip-hop history; do your googles sweetheart!! So his silent partner goes to him and says “$50k for the business” he also give the same offer to Caes which seems a little playing both ends against the middle type shit. Granted, this is business and nothing personal, but you can’t win if you ain’t right within. Lauryn teach you that in the mid-1990s, no??

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So Caes is seriously thinking about building his empire and taking it to the next level. Dutch says that Sassy should choose sides, but that Sassy leaving Puma shows how disloyal she is in real life. Seems like an Apple + Oranges = baseball bats Twitter logic type shit. And just to close the scene out we get a great shot of Sky pulling her panties out of her butthole and in the next scene she’s seen working the grill. Teddy finally tells sky that he’s not looking to settle down and that he’s not looking for a real relationship. He is, however willing to eat her hamburgers fresh off the grill, and no that’s not a euphemism he is seriously eating up all the burgers 2-3 hours before anyone falls through the kickback. Certainly *I’M* bringing my own lean cuisine TO the kickback and skinny girl margarita mix because I’m not too sure about that shop or the chef Boyardee’s in that place.

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Sky has decided to get a new butt, she’s gaining weight and then she’s going to have it transfers to her cakes. Dutch is upset because of the long healing process and she feels like Sky should be focusing on her and her wedding. Clearly Sky will look better in her wedding if she gets a new butt. Donna decided to go to lunch with Dutch and beg her for her job back. Dutch being the one who called Donna’s boyfriend and basically told him about all of the dicks she was nibbling when she was working in the shop. Her boyfriend then turned on her and left her. Dutch is over Donna and her BS and just came for the free ice water and boiled peanuts.

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Sky decided to take Sassy with her to her Brazilian consultation because hey, Sassy is a good friend and she also has an unlimited metro card that they could use to get to the consult office. During the actual consult the Dr. asked if Sky had any kids and she became really emotional. Apparently she had two kids when she was 14 and then made the tough choice to place them with another family. That is a really tough decision. Sky was crying in that scene. Child in the next scene she was ready to box Dutch because Dutch said she should postpone her cakes surgery until after the wedding. Sky felt like Dutch was talking greasy about her so she went to check her. Of course Dutch was behind the counter behind 10 different security guards because while she’ll run her mouth to weak bitches like Donna and Quani, she clearly doesn’t want it with a real bitch. Now this is my thing, I don’t know Sky and I don’t know her habits, but when sky was in there WILDIN it seemed like maybe she was on several; where’s Dr. Drew to make it right? Anyway This scene was very troubling because of ALL the people in the shop I would have never thought Dutch and Sky would have had a problem. I’m personally all for plastic surgery so I’m the friend to recommend a good surgeon and then take you to the consult; fuck it. Life’s too short not to. Anyway after the big blow up Sky and Dutch talked it out, grabbed a drink and maybe went skiing (again, I don’t know their habits) and ended their beef; for now. In the next episode Donna decides to come back to the shop to do a tattoo, Dutch and Caes decide to head down south for a little R&R and Quani decides to pack her garbage bag and hop the next Greyhound to who knows where. You’ll definitely want to tune into the next episode. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s a piping hot bowl of menudo on the stove with my name on it! *Cumbia’s into the Cocina*

Black Ink Crew Ep. 2 Recap

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It’s Monday, so you know what that means. An all new episode of Black Ink Crew. I honestly look forward to these Mondays, because I’m like “I may be driving a 1992 Astro van and feasting on ramen noodles, but at least I’m not on this show and not in the same situation as these jokers. So let’s do a quick recap and then move forward. Quani is scared to live in the slums, not because of the rats that nibble her eye lashes at night, but because of Case; girl I guess. Duchess and Caes are building their empire so they decided to consult with Yandy and Mendeecess for a power lunch at Olive Garden (which is honestly one of my favorite places to eat). Ted and Sky are in love (read: they’ve thrown away the rubbers), O’Shit is still O’shit…..Donna has had a yeast infection for 10 years and refuses to get it treated. Omg just tooo much…. Anyway let’s get started with this week’s episode!

Some YT dude came in wanting a “Jacob’s ladder” which is a piercing on your Dick. This YT dude is an actor CLEARLY!!! Like not a good one at all. Sidenote: *WHY* is Duchess the only piercer in the show?? Like doesn’t that seem bad for business? Like what about all the girls who want their big stomachs bellies pierced for the Puerto Rican day parade???

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Caes had to pull Donna to the side about her professionalism, her lack off talent and the slimy/slug trail she leaves where ever she sits. Donna being the insulate canker sore that she is; she continued to back talk  and state her side of the issue. Caes seems to be fed up with Donne and ready to let her go. Oh well, guess she better pack up her 1989 Corolla and hit the bricks. Better luck next time

Sky and Teddy and still cupcakin and sky is clearly over the moon. Only problem is Ted screwed that girl who looks like one of the weather girls

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Donna apparently has a new BF, a dude who is missing teeth and has miss Celia plats in his head. sidenote; she was actually taking a shower!! Like I’ve never seen anyone on this show shower!! That’s wild!!

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J Holiday came into the shop and Duchess shaded TF out of him “J Holiday, he’s like an r&b singer or whatever. He had a few little hits or whatever” well damn Duchess!! Anyway Donna was sitting at her front desk tracing different microbes and smashing the bed bugs she brought in with her. Caes called Donna a bitch, so Donna called her boyfriend Max to beat up Caes. The situation was flipped when Dutch called Max and let him know about the 8 different dudes she screwed in the shop, so they in essence turned her own man against her. Oh well hell’s bells!

Later on, Caes decides to rent (read: steal) a school bus in order for everyone to have fun and let their hair down and relax. Basically the shop was funky and this was the only way to get them all wet/showered. O’shit comes into the shop with flippers (basically I’m saying he came into the shop with Nene’s leakes house slippers on) Once everyone finally arrived the dude’s started taking their shirts off and you can tell they eat nothing but hot wings and drink croc slushes. Dutch later pulls Sky to the side on some messy boots shit. And says “girl yo dude tucked one of the weather girls on a pissy. Mattress in the subway. Sky seems like a really decent person who just wants love and she really thought Ted was down for her. Sky later got so upset with Ted that she dumped an entire bottle of water on him, which seems pointless since them hoes just left the water park, but whatevs.

Puma’s business partner has had it up to HERE with
Pum Pum so he offers to sell him the shop for $50k, he also offers to sell the shop to Caes. Sky decides to confront Dutch about being a two-faced mule and things POP OFF!! Sky has been in jail for beating up a preacher at a thanksgiving homeless dinner, do you honestly think she’s gonna spare Dutch’s life?? Bitch I don’t!! Guess you’ll just have to tune in for next week’s episode to see.