The big day had FINALLY ARRIVED!!!! It was the morning of the race and I was so excited! I got up early, put together my outfit to match my running flats. I decided to make a healthy breakfast of oatmeal with fruit and green smoothie and then a snack of biscuits and sausage gravy and a salad. I saw the err of the ways so I decided to steer clear of the snickers salads and opt for something a little healthier. This time I decided to make taco salad for my morning snack. I used lean ground beef, gold corn tortilla chips, fresh lettuce, tomatoes, guacamole, homemade bacon ranch dressing and sour cream. Now before you ask me “kelly why are you using sour cream on something healthy?” Let me remind you that I will bread and deep fry your face like a country fried steak if you ask about my dietary choices one more time!! Im over it!!!!” After that I decided to jog around the block a few times. It was really a test for me b/c the 7 Chinese places in the strip mall were just opening up for the day. I usually go to Shanghai hills on Sunday for chicken wings, beef and broccoli, dumplings and vegetable lo mein, on Tuesday to the Panda’s village for Szechuan chicken, crab Rangoon, steamed buns and sweet sticky rice and so on. I always told them that I liked variety in my eating but the real reason was I was ashamed to eat at 7 Chinese restaurants in one week. Apparently their profit shares had each gone up 20% since I had moved into the neighbourhood. I remember Mr lui telling my estranged husband, Jeffery Rolle, that he slaughters an entire cow every Sunday morning just to make a Kelly Price sized order of beef and broccoli. It made me feel good to know all of my food was being made with fresh ingredients. I would typically order large portions that way I had enough for lunch and dinner because I don’t like to answer the phone when I’m watching my shows in the afternoon and evening.
Anyway, after my jog around the block I got ready. I decided to bring the conversion van because I wanted everyone to fit comfortably. I took myself, Jeffery Rolle, my estranged husband, lil mo, her 3 of her 9 children and some of my close celebrity friends like Faith Evans and Keke Wyatt. We walked over to the starting area and I got registered. There was only 30 minutes until the race started. I forgot my snickers shakes and bottled water in the conversion van so lil mo and Jeffery Rolle, my estranged husband, offered to go back to the van and get grab them for me. I made small talk with some of the other runners and about 5 minutes passed, still no water or snickers shakes. I was getting worried. I didn’t know if something has happened to Jeffery Rolle, my estranged husband, and lil mo, so I headed back to the conversion van to investigate. What I saw shocked me. Jeffery Rolle, my estranged husband, was being ridden like a horse by lil mo. He then flipped her over and tossed her salad. I can’t remember one time in my life having him flip me over like that. Whenever we made love it was me lying on my back or him hitting me from the back. Toward the end of our relationship he wouldn’t even try, he would bend me over and stick a kielbasa in my sausage shoot. At first I didn’t know what to make of it. It felt… different…… I had been with Jeffery Rolle for DECADES. I knew what it felt like when he was about the “arrive” the feeling of him swelling inside of me. He got me good for about a month or so and then he slipped up and got bold. He put a kielbasa in my sausage shoot and then slid another one in my back yard entrance. At first it felt good and then I thought “how is he filling up both of my spots if he’s only one man?” I reached around and felt what felt like a kielbasa, I immediately pulled it out of myself and pushed Jeffery Rolle, my estranged husband, off of me. I rolled over in the bed and began to cry. I continued crying until I remembered I had, had a mini fridge and a grill installed at my bedside. I decided it was no use letting the kielbasa go to waste, so i sautéed up some peppers and onions, toasted up a brioche bun and made myself a sandwich. No use in being angry AND hungry. Anyway back to the race.
I couldn’t think about what I had just seen, I had to focus on the race. I got to the starting line. I was nervous, I didn’t know what to expect. Yes, I had been jogging around my block but this was 5k…
The starter’s pistol sounded and I was off. I started out at a strong pace. I decided it was really important to pace myself so I didn’t pass out or break one of my ankles, which would mean no more kitten heels while performing. As I ran I thought about all I had made it through. In the very beginning buying my size 16EEEEEE sneakers, ordering delicious Chinese food. I remember being mistaken for Keenan Thompson at the donut spot and getting into it with that lady. As the first mile approaching I saw the furling station. I stopped at the table and grabbed a drink. I quickly spat it out when I found it was water. Where was my estranged husband, Jeffery Rolle, with my personal protein shake. Turns out he was nowhere to be found, he was probably still in the back of the conversion van making “cream of us” soup with that rnb tramp. I decided to act fast, I ducked through the crowd and called for a ride. It was 10:25 so I was torn. By the time we got through the drive thru it would be 10:40. Sure enough the ride arrived at 10:35 and I know exactly what I wanted: a large meat lovers pizza and a small diet coke with chocolate syrup added. I quickly devoured my snack and told the driver to drive to the Dairy Hut for an Oreo peach peanut butter milkshake. Fresh fruit, healthy carbs, protein, dairy, can’t beat that. On the ride back I slurped down my shake and asked the driver to let me off about half a mile before the end of the race. The driver did just that and I was able to come in 3rd place out of all of the runners. I came in first in my weight class which is a pretty big deal. My friends and family met me at the finish line and there was lil mo holding hands with my estranged husband, Jeffery Rolle. I took the liberty of climbing into the conversion van and leaving everyone behind. I just wanted to get away from it all. The world is my oyster as I sit here at Shoneys writing my diary. If you would like to book me for your next event or would like to buy one of my fashionable stylish ponchos please feel free to hit me up.