Gay allies

It has become trendy to be a “gay ally” someone; who claims to stand up for and accept members of the LGBTQIAQN community. There are so many different types of allies, but not all allies are your friend truly. Some have other motives. Let’s take a look at some of the different types of allies.

hm%201 The “corporate” ally-A company that posts pro-lgbtqiaqn statements like during the pro-8 deal in California or participated in the whole love wins campaign. Features gay/lesbian/non traditional families in their adverts. Sell rainbow coloured items during Pride month in June. It’s sometimes hard to know if these companies are being sincere or not. Bottom line is they’re a corporation and in today’s world it’s good business sense to be pro-gay at least on the surface. What is the alternative? To not say anything? In today’s world that almost as bad as being anti-gay. The people are not going to stand for that: at all.

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The “over the top” ally-Her brother is gay, his daughter is gay and has been so since 1990. She’s used to being around the gay community and is very comfortable in doing such. She knows all the gay lingo and doesn’t bat an eye when you tell her about all of your wild fantasies including whips and chains. She’s the first one to volunteer with the AIDS organisation and go to pride marches. That’s the good side of her, the bad side is she’s CRAZY! You say ANYTHING remotely anti-gay and she’s on you. She was suspended from college during her junior year for beating an anti-gay minister who came to campus. She now works at Starbucks which is a pretty open and inviting place. Except for every once in awhile when misogynistic anti-gay douche bag will come in wanting a coffee. He can’t read the menu and doesn’t know what to order because he’s obviously an idiot. While waiting for his coffee he makes small talk with the man beside him. He makes some comment about Caitlyn being a lesbian man in a dress and that’s all it takes. The “over the top” ally jumps over the counter and douses the anti-lgbtqiaqn bigot with the hot coffee. The liquid scalds his face and chest. He becomes furious, but knows he deserves it so he walks out in shame. The best way to deal with the “over the top” ally is to make sure she’s medicated and tread VERY lightly around her.

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The My “brother in law is gay” ally-This guy didn’t necessarily grow up around gay people or with any gay friends, but now he’s got a gay brother in law. At first he felt weird about having a gay brother in law, now he doesn’t have an issue with it. His wife is the “over the top” ally, so saying anything remotely anti-gay around her will NOT end well at all. You and your brother in law become friends when you found out about his athletic prowess. You all now play basketball together at the gym on Wednesday nights. He’s a big aggressive guy who plays dirty in the paint. One time your team mate makes a comment about him being a “f*g” and before he can react you punch him straight in the nose. Blood everywhere. Needless to say the game ends early and you all head home to eat. Apparently your brother in law text his sister the “over the top” ally exactly what happened because she gave you the big piece of chicken and an extra scoop of sorbet tonite.

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The “idgaf” ally-This dude dgaf; SERIOUSLY!! He enjoy playing video games and smoking pot. You all met in art class freshman year and have been friends ever since. He showed you your first playboy and that was the exact moment you knew women weren’t for you. When you told him you were gay his response was “okay, so do you want hot wings or pizza for dinner because im gonna order?” He literally could not care less. You’ve now been friends for 10 years and your big city gay friends ask who is this guy and why you all hang out so much? You tell them that he’s been your good friend for years and that you wouldn’t trade him for the world. Turns out your friend has been hitting the gym and catches the eye of one of your straight female friends. They’re now seriously dating and he has you to thank for that.

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The “bar buddy” ally-She uses gay slang and knows all of the words to every song by Beyoncé, Rihanna and Adele. You all are bar buddies. Whenever she wants to go out she calls you up because she knows you and your crew are her personal glam squad. As you all run around putting together the perfect outfit for her and beating her face to a nothing she soaks up all the gay slang she can. When you all go out she stuffs a $10 bill down the blouse of her favourite drag queen. She gets super wasted and usually ends up spending the night on your couch. She finally gets a boyfriend. After 6 months of dating he introduces her to his son. She decides to go out for ice cream with you and her boyfriend’s son. When she gets home her boyfriend FLIPS on her! He tells her she is not to have ANY “sissies” around his son. Being love starved and emotional she decides to unfriend her gay squad and starts posting vaguely anti-gay things online. Turns out the boyfriend who she tossed her gay crew aside for? Yeah when she’s been keeping his son he’s actually been cheating on her with his baby mama. Oh well, she’ll learn next time! #Karma

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The “celebrity” ally-This person is “famous”/”well known” and is pro gay at least on the surface. He’s a big straight guy. And being pro gay is good for his image. He’ll kiss a guy on the lips and play grab ass, but it’s all a façade. While he says he’s an ally, it’s BS. He’s a typical straight guy behind closed doors. Steer clear of him.

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The “freshman year” ally-This is by far THE MOST annoying ally. They’ve just finished their first semester at college and think they know EVERYTHING!! This is in part because they took sociology/psychology 101 both in the same semester. They know all of the buzzwords like cisgender, misogyny, heteronormative and gender non-conforming. If you have an argument with them online it takes them 30 minutes to respond because they have to google every term to make sure they spell and use it correctly. The easiest way to defeat one of these “pseudo-allies” is by turning off their wifi and hiding their psych 101 books.

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The “reluctant” ally-This guy is a hardcore conservative hates must things, but has a huge dilemma. He works for a non-profit that provides housing to homeless gay teens. When counselling these youths his advice is as generic and middle of the road as possible. He has a stack of “conversion therapy” brochures inside his work desk, and slips them into their backpack when they aren’t looking. He HATES working pride month events, but bites his tongue because he wants to eventually run this non profit for himself and change it to a gay conversion camp. So he keeps quiet and bides his time until he gets that big promotion.

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While allies are a good thing to have, it’s important to know who is really in your corner and who’s full of it. Ask yourself “what’s the reason this person is calling them self an ally?”, “are they willing to grow and learn?”, “do they really care about gay rights or are they full of it?” And also “do they defend gays when in a mixed crowd?” Ask yourself these important questions.

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